How To Operate Your Sherlock
by Barbara Anne
Summary: Holmes Labs Inc.  Manual For Model: Sherlock L9A1  How To Operate Your Sherlock  A Technical Writing On the Terms and Uses of Your New Device
1. Chapter 1

Holmes Labs Inc.

Manual For Model: Sherlock L9A1

How To Operate Your Sherlock

A Technical Writing On the Terms and Uses of Your New Device

Part I

Introduction

Your new Sherlock comes with many features, many bells and whistles as it were; so it is vital to understand the placement every "button", its application, and when it is proper to push it.

There will be times when your Sherlock will seem petulant and downright frustrating, many such times you will want to push certain "buttons" out of anger, but we urge you not to, for it will only result with confusion and anger on your part as a side effect of a rather wordy string of insults. But fret not! This guide is here to help you through these situations, laying out a much safer path by giving you a deeper understanding of the machine and its primary functions.

Part II

His Prime Directive? Detective.

A. The Work

Sherlock is first and foremost built for deduction. It is what this model does best, and what it will always do best. His "brain" is hard wired for it, he observes all situations, taking in everything, sifting through it, sorting it out, and relaying the information (Which you should probably take down.) Holmes Laboratories have already programmed all Sherlock models with a broad spectrum of knowledge, but there will be certain times when he will need to ascertain very specific information pertinent to his newest case, which is where his secondary function comes into play.

B. Scientist

All Sherlock models have an inane sense of scientific curiosity, which aids his primary function greatly in a way that it would not for our earlier machines. He is always seeking more practical knowledge for the work. _**But,**_ if you are not prepared for them, these experiments could affect you emotionally, physically, and financially. Which is why we make it obvious to all buyers that Holmes laboratories are not responsible for any of the following incidents related to your Sherlock's experimentation:

1. Chemical burns and or fume inhalation

2. Fire Damage

3. Water Damage

4. Questionable substances in non-lab areas

5. Body parts in your home (animal or other wise)

6. Loss of toenails, hair, or teeth

7. Damage to appliances or furniture

It is important not to disturb his process or impede experimentation in any way; it will only be bad news for everyone.

While Sherlock's curiosity and stunning intellect are vital to his work, they can also be startlingly counter productive. Which brings us to our newest point.

Part III

Distraction and Addiction

A. Illicit Substances

We wish to remind buyers that your new Sherlock's abilities don't come without a price. His brilliant mind will continue to race even after he has solved every case within his lithe arms reach. It is very hard for this particular model to "shut down" because if he could, he might easily miss some important piece of data. We have found that, because of this fact, Sherlock models tend towards drug addiction as a way to clear their constantly buzzing minds. While this is assuredly an effective way of slowing down his functions, it is also quite dangerous and highly illegal. Holmes laboratories have found it best to encourage Sherlock to engage in other more natural ways of calming down, like music.

B. Feel the Music

All Sherlock models have the ability to play an instrument. It is part of the preprogrammed set of abilities that comes standard on every machine. Whatever your device's choice is, our scientists and lawyers insist that this is a much more productive way of winding down, with the added bonus of having occasional concerts in your very own home! Though it is important to note that Holmes Laboratories are not responsible for any sleep lost over "surprise concerts" in the wee hours of the morning. OR for any purposefully butchered renditions of your favourite songs. In fact it is not Holmes Laboratories fault for any personality defects in the machine.

Part IV

The Snark

A. Sticky Keys and Stubborn Buttons

We at Holmes Laboratories do not claim that our Sherlock model is in any way "a charmer." That is not its function and therefore personality development has taken a backseat. You may find yourself being deduced within and inch of your life, having very private information exposed for all to see. NOT OUR FAULT. Sherlock models don't have a very highly developed sense of good and bad when it comes to social customs. It is not his fault he is being rude, he cant help that he simply isn't programmed to be polite. There is only so much information on his hard drive and niceties like that, unfortunately for you, are simply not filed away. This assures all Sherlock units are hard headed, which makes the likelihood of them listening to any of your suggestions very slim.

Part V

Health and Efficiency

A. Now what do you mean by efficiency?

Just like Sherlock's personality development lacks substance when compared to its ability to adapt for the work, so has its need for to refuel. All Sherlock models are incredibly efficient when comes to energy regulation and consumption, but they are also flawed in the way that they don't have a gauge signaling how close they are to collapse. They will run themselves full speed into the ground if you don't stop them.

B. Refueling and Resting

It is therefore part of your responsibility for owning such a finely tuned piece of equipment, to make sure that it has ample energy for the work it is so specifically programmed for. It may take a little effort since, as we previously stated, all models are innately stubborn.

Part VI

In Conclusion

We here at Holmes laboratories wish you nothing but the best of luck with your new Sherlock L9A1 model detective unit. Our hope for all of our machines of every make and model is that they engage their purpose and programming by successfully assisting you and all your endeavors, but with our Sherlock model we understand that it may seem as though you are assisting it. You mustn't worry, no Sherlock model would make it very long without its master and companion, without you this machines work is mindless and with much toil. Keep it on the right track and owning a Sherlock can be one of the most fulfilling and exciting experiences around.


	2. Chapter 2

John chuckled as he read over the last part again,

"…_can be one of the most fulfilling and exciting experiences around. __"_

The anonymous package had shown up on his doorstep a few days prior, though he had been more wary than intrigued. The last time an unmarked parcel had made its way to his Baker Street abode its contents weren't exactly savory. Lets just say john can never look at a pigeon the same way. But after some inspection by his very own friendly neighborhood consulting detective, the mysterious object was deemed safe enough to open.

Its contents had been surprising to say the least, a bound manual, some snapshots of Sherlock, and a gift card for 25 pounds to a very made up "Holmes Labs Inc." While john thought it was all very funny, he couldn't help but worry about the pictures, but he resigned himself to being thankful that the contents were humorous, and not… well… explosive.

The manual, while hilarious to John, seemed to really strike something within Sherlock. He, on several occasions, tried to burn the parcel. John had managed to save it from destruction but as to why it infuriated Sherlock so, he did not know… at first.

"Who exactly sent this thing Sherlock?" asked John.

"How the hell should I know?" Huffed Sherlock as he made his way towards the kitchen.

"Well I mean, you are the worlds one and only consulting detective, and I've seen you deduce much more, from much less ." said John, looking back down at the sports section of his favourite paper.

"WELL, if you really MUST know John, I haven't figured out who sent it, okay? Why don't you go blog about it and let some fan girls of mine get their jollies off knowing that THE INCOMPORABLE SHERLOCK HOLMES COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHO SENT HIM A SIMPLE PACKAGE." Sherlock barked as he carelessly tossed his mug into the sink, only nearly missing the jar of bloody fingernails. "Christ Sherlock calm the hell down!" John called as he folded his newspaper over his lap. "I didn't realize you were going to be such a little twat about this.."

* * *

><p>Mycroft Holmes smiled silently to himself as he watched the trite squabble ensue. Despite his appearance the elder Holmes brother could be quite the prankster, oh, and how he loved to torment his little brother. He snickered quietly as he lifted himself from his position at the surveillance hub. "Oh Anthea, do you have the car ready?" He called out to his always charming personal assistant. "Yes Mr. Holmes, where should I tell the driver we're going?" she asked, glancing up, only briefly, from her Blackberry. Mycroft turned to her with a smile and said "I think its time for another visit to our favourite consulting detective."<p> 


End file.
